HOW TO TRANSFORM “PEOPLE PLEASING, PERFECTIONISM AND SELF SABOTAGE”, SIMPLY AND FAST.

“Where did he disappear?” Tereza started looking for her date, when she didn't see him at the dance floor. He promised to make this a nice evening, since he screwed up last time. “Oh, there he is, around the corner”. She couldn't believe her eyes. He was kissing another women! Tereza felt so humiliated and angry. She wanted to yell at him and slap his face. But instead, she froze. Her mind went blank and words escaped her. She was scared to show her anger and burn the bridges, so she quietly packed up and left in defeat. Ten years later she was still angry at the man, who made her feel like a fool.

What does people pleasing, perfectionism and self-sabotage have to do with shame? Surprisingly a lot! How exactly does that work and how can you avoid this silent trap?

I didn’t know my profile looked ideal to be a victim of a serial killer, but he thought so! Steve was a security guard in a company where I worked. He had access to my employee profile, where it clearly stated: foreigner, recently divorced.

Who can be a better target that a lonely, sad, depressed woman, with no family, friends or a husband? He started his hunt on me. 

Angelica wanted to find a boyfriend who she could proudly call “hers” and introduce him at the party of her friends. However, he didn't show up in her life yet. She complained: "I am again the only single woman at a party, this sucks!" 

What is Angelica doing wrong and how can you avoid that?

Ariane was hopeless and fed up: “I have looked everywhere, they simply don’t exist anymore. I doubt that investing more time into dating makes sense. I am better of single…” She complained that real men were extinct. According to her today’s men only want easy women who throw themselves at the guys.

Maribel was exhausted and depressed by her unsuccessful search for a man. She posted her question to the women’s forum: "What is wrong with my profile, since nobody has showed any interest in six months? Below is her profile.

I am just a normal girl...

They were all around me. Happy couples, holding hands in the line for ice-cream, laughing. And then, there was me. A divorced, thirty plus year old woman, already two years without a man. Sleeping alone night after night. I missed having what they had. A friend of mine shared how she recently met her love online, after ten years of being single.             I started to wonder: "Should I do something about my situation?"  

Sam was looking at me confidently across the table on our first date and nonchalantly complimented on my figure. He started to draw a picture of an adventure I could experience with him. It included slightly illegal things that are only allowed in Amsterdam.

He presented himself as a successful fun guy, who had a lot of women interested in him. However he only spends time with high quality people “like me” because he has no time to waste. "Wow, how impressive, I am already feeling special, right?" :-)

After his divorce Jan felt lonely and wanted to find a new partner. However he doubted he was able to do it: “I don't like to present myself and compete with others at the dating market. Which woman would possibly like my bald head?”

His neighbor Susan was also single and insecure: “I am too skinny and not pretty enough for men to like me. I am not interesting enough to stand out of the crowd.”  They secretly liked each other but...