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November 23, 2023HOW TO TRANSFORM “PEOPLE PLEASING, PERFECTIONISM AND SELF SABOTAGE”, SIMPLY AND FAST. “Where did he disappear?” Tereza started looking for her date, when she didn’t see him at the dance floor. He promised to make this a nice evening, since he screwed up last time. “Oh, there he is, around the corner”. She couldn’t believe her eyes. He was kissing another women! Tereza felt so humiliated and angry. She wanted to yell at him and slap his face. But instead, she froze. Her mind went blank and words escaped her. She was scared to show her anger and burn the bridges, so she quietly packed up and left in defeat. Ten years later she was still angry at the man, who made her feel like a fool. What does people pleasing, perfectionism and self-sabotage have to do with shame? Surprisingly a lot! How exactly does that work and how can you avoid this silent trap? As a coach and NLP Master practitioner (Neuro – linguistic programming), I assist my clients in discovering hidden subconscious patterns of self-sabotage in their relationships. Women are often frustrated, that the same problem repeats with different men. How is that possible? Are there no good men left? Not exactly. The hidden shame together with hidden guilt are at the core of many of the self-sabotaging patterns and cause lack of self-compassion. You have probably heard before, that you have to love yourself first, before anybody else can love you. Easier said than done, right? What if I told you that the shame and guilt is what is preventing people to love themselves? Then, things are starting to make more sense. HOW CAN SHAME BE TRANSFORMED Shame is hard to uncover, because people are only rarely consciously aware of it and generally don’t know which symptoms relate to it. However, when shame is correctly diagnosed, it can be quickly transformed via the NLP exercises. As a result people can finally free themselves of outdated beliefs and external standards, they have been subjected to for many years. Side effect of this process is usually short intense anger – because they realize somebody “put” them in this standard and they had suffered, following it. Short intense grief is also common because people realise they have missed many opportunities in life, because their choices were limited by the unreasonable standards. However, the anger and grief serve a good purpose here, because they help build new boundaries and strengthen the weak identity of the individual. While the grief, anger and sometimes also guilt become activated in our awareness, it makes them accessible for transformation. Transforming guilt, grief and anger brings further relief and helps people free themselves from other old patterns, while connecting to higher energy resources. The process is not linear, but like waves of up and down feelings with an upward trend. The new realisations need a few days for integration and stuck emotions, that have just been unlocked through the process, need to be released. As the person moves upwards in the trend, new life choices become available and life transforms to a more satisfying experience. WHAT RESULTS DO PEOPLE GET THROUGH THE TRANSFORMATION People report the transformation to be very deep, with fast results. Within a few sessions some people are able to grow from shy, unworthy person, who routinely accepts bad treatment of others, to somebody who is ready to express themselves creatively or verbally, starts setting clear boundaries, has a new life vision and motivation for action. People also reported being more at peace, starting to take better care of their looks and health, having more choices and creating things they can look forward to. They become aware of strong negativity of certain people in their environment and choose to spend less time with them, saving their energy to invest in positive goals. Things on their “bucket list” start to materialise. Marlene decided to switch jobs to accept a new opportunity. She developed her website and started her lifestyle blog. She decided to be more authentic and do things she always wanted but somehow felt she could not do. She bought a new camera and booked a trip to California. She started to manage her energy better by setting clear boundaries with her mom, who used to push her into things she didn’t want to do. She managed to remain calm when she saw picture of her ex with a new girlfriend, realising he is not the man she wanted for her future. In the past she would have fallen into self doubt and blaming herself for losing him.  Lara spent months thinking about different services she could offer in her new business, but it was hard to decide what would feel right. After the shame resolution exercise, she became clear about her new life vision and presented her business idea proudly in front of a group of people. This would have been impossible in the past when she was afraid of public speaking. She also decided what kind of a relationship she wanted and that investing time into her ex partner will not lead to her new goal.  Individual results and speed of progress vary. It depends on how many interferences come up during the process. Interferences are mental resistances, usually something that needs to be heard and resolved, before the person can fully move forward. Working with the resistances is part of the transformation process. SCIENTIFIC BACKGROUND AND PRACTICAL USE OF THE ENERGY FREQUENCY LEVELS What I observed about the transformation, matches the order of the energy frequencies described by Dr. David Hawkins in his book Power vs. Force. According to his research, shame is the lowest energy frequency, guilt is the second lowest one, while grief and anger are already slightly higher on the scale. Putting the emotions in a certain order is useful as a direction for personal development. While Dr. Hawkins is of opinion, that it is possible but unlikely people would move upwards on this chart, I am aware that a specific selection of NLP exercises can do precisely that. I am excited that we can combine these two tools, which one of them shows path and the other is step-by-step process “how to do it”. My objective is to connect the energy levels to a practical list of symptoms related to relationship problems, that I have gathered from working with my clients. This list can serve as a simple diagnostic tool and can speed up the process of transforming the self-sabotaging patterns. I have noticed five groups of symptoms related to shame.  HOW TO QUICKLY DIAGNOSE, WHETHER I HAVE A HIDDEN SHAME There are five groups of symptoms related to hidden shame. Read through the description and notice whether you relate to one or more of the situations. Not every part of the description necessarily applies to you, note for yourself, which part is relevant. Self expression and speaking to people Standing up for self and creating healthy boundaries Individual identity vs. expectations of society Perfectionism Self vs. romantic partner SELF EXPRESSION AND SPEAKING TO PEOPLE People suffering from shame often report they are not able / allowed / safe to express themselves. This includes artistic expression, speaking to others, saying their opinion, going after what they would like, as well as having clear vision for life, career, relationships. As a consequence, they have a feeling they can not do / have or be in their life what they want and feel like they haven’t accomplished much, which underlines the shame. Despite their practical effort, they end up with alternative B – which doesn’t feel right. They feel embarrassed or paralysed to speak to or in front of others, because they could be judged, rejected, or they feel unimportant and inferior to others. Some feel invisible to others as if nobody would even notice if they didn’t exist. Others want to disappear or be invisible to escape the unpleasant pressure of perceived judgement. STANDING UP FOR SELF AND CREATING HEALTHY BOUNDARIES Just like Tereza from the above story, people under the spell of shame feel paralysed when they are supposed to stand up for themselves. The words escape them, mind goes blank and they are not able to react on the spot, despite intense emotional reaction, that goes on the inside. The lack of reaction or delayed reaction causes that others can easily overstep their unclear boundaries. Some find that setting boundaries is dangerous, because they could lose the love or acceptance of important people, stop belonging to an important group, end up alone or something else bad could happen. Speaking up one’s opinion is not safe, it can lead to self or others getting hurt. With lack of inner identity, pleasing others becomes the only standard, because the individual is mentally dependent on others. Unable to say no due to shame or guilt of disappointing others, they make themselves as likeable as possible. This is supposed to secure love and good relationships. Tolerating bad treatment or demands is the price of “not being alone”. Putting focus on self feels wrong, selfish and brings guilt. INDIVIDUAL IDENTITY VS. EXPECTATIONS OF SOCIETY Individuals in shame don’t know what they want. They haven’t really thought of it, because their focus is on others. They are not important in their own eyes, their accomplishments are discarded as “not so special” and shortcomings are emphasised. They feel not good enough, not doing enough and obliged to behave according to what others expect them to be / do / say. They have to do like everybody does, otherwise they will not be accepted, liked and end up on the edge of society. If they are unable to do like the society standard, they feel weird, not normal and embarrassed. Women, who don’t have a family by certain age or who haven’t accomplished astonishing career feel ashamed and that something is wrong with them. They feel they can’t have in life what they want and what they have, isn’t good enough in front of others. PERFECTIONISM Perfectionist were heavily criticised as children, while their accomplishments were taken for granted. They developed an unrealistically high expectations of self and others. They feel like a failure if not perfect and easily become disappointed by others. They feel they have to work very hard and deliver superior results to reach recognition of others. It feels like no matter what they do, it is never enough. They feel the pressure to be good in everything, ideally the best and can’t stand criticism. Hearing praise about others, while they are not recognised, feels as bad as direct criticism. They assume it is all about them and that others are trying to put them down. There is no space for making mistake, they try to be perfect, otherwise they will become unworthy and lose face. When they don’t do something to the full extent, they feel guilty. They can’t let other people down and pressure themselves to be a role model for others. They have hard time setting boundaries because they feel responsible for everything and everybody, like the world or company would collapse, if they didn’t do their part. They can be bitterly surprised, if others replace them easily. The extreme effort  is supposed to prevent them from feeling shame and earn love and recognition. SELF VS. ROMANTIC PARTNER People suffering from shame are not clear what they want for themselves in the relationship, besides the fact they want to be loved, safe and free, mainly because they don’t feel internally safe, lovable or free to express themselves. Because of that, they rarely set clear criteria for partner choice. Everything is externally referenced. Women start a relationship because he showed interest and she didn’t want to miss a chance, despite her intuition, that he wasn’t the right one. Women put themselves as objects of the relationship, rather than an equal partner – by saying I want a man who wants xxx with me. I want a man who will love me, who will see me for who I am. They become quickly excited about a new partner and invest a lot in the relationship, focusing on supporting the partner. They are doubting whether they are doing enough, so they do even more. They don’t ask for much or nothing at all, but expect that the partner will do their part and equally support them. They emphasise “us” and are bitterly surprised when the guy doesn’t appreciate all the effort and doesn’t even love them. Partners have lot of power over them. If partner criticises, it is extremely hurtful and the woman feels ashamed like something is wrong with her and that it is her fault things are not working. They might try even harder, until the relationship becomes unbearable and decide to break up, at which point the partner might be surprised there was even a problem. Another scenario is that women force themselves “logically” into a relationship with a guy who showed interest, despite feeling no sparkle. Eventually they have to break up because they are not willing to commit to a man who isn’t “enough” for them, but feel guilty to do it.  I THINK I HAVE A HIDDEN SHAME, WHAT CAN I DO NEXT?     If you find yourself in one or more of the patterns of hidden shame, relief can be found through transforming the shame into “no shame”, by practicing the NLP exercises. If you require support in the process or you have still doubt whether shame could apply to you, contact me at info@michaelaray.com.   […] Read more…
November 23, 2023Angelica wanted to find a boyfriend who she could proudly call “hers” and introduce him at the party of her friends. However, he didn’t show up in her life yet. She complained: “I am again the only single woman at a party, this sucks!”  What is Angelica doing wrong and how can you avoid that? FIVE POPULAR “DEAD END TRAILS” AND REASONS WHY WOMEN FALL FOR THEM Angelica and many other women describe their search for their future partner something like this: I am open for a new relationship. I haven’t thought of it in detail, but I have an idea what I want. I haven’t met him yet, but I keep my eyes open. Meanwhile there are these old boring dudes asking for my number. I know for sure that I don’t want a guy like that, but they seem to show up anyway! Once in a blue moon, when I go on a date, they never really excite me, I guess I am too picky. Why is it so complicated, I am not asking for that much, I just want a decent guy! There are 5 dead ends trails hidden in the above text. Can you see them? Let’s review them together. 1. I HAVE AN IDEA WHAT I WANT BUT I HAVEN’T THOUGHT OF IT IN DETAIL First trail, where Angelica got lost, was not knowing what she actually wanted. To show you the impact, below is an analogy. Imagine you are an architect. You were hired to create the new headquarters of company ABC. This project is an opportunity of a lifetime and you want to do your absolute best. You have an idea how it will look like, so you call the construction company and tell them to start building. In six months your masterpiece is dominating the skyline and you are so proud! Wait a moment. Did I miss something? How would the construction team know how to build it? Of course they wouldn’t. So let’s backtrack. You have an idea about the project. You meet the investors and find out about all their requirements. What is important to them and why? What has a priority: fancy design or conservative budget? You make a first draft. You start adding details to the project and testing it until you and investors are happy with it. Your idea is now ready to become a reality. Finding the right partner for your life isn’t any less important than designing an architectural masterpiece. Yet we assume, we don’t need to put any thought into it, beyond our initial idea. It should just somehow happen… And here we come to the second dead end trail – the reason behind why so many women avoid thinking about what they actually want. 2. I AVOID THINKING ABOUT MY IDEAL RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE I AM AFRAID I WOULD MISS IT Wanting to wake up next to your man, who gives you little kisses on your neck and says “good morning my sweetheart”, is really painful when you actually wake up alone and there is nobody to give you a hug. I know, I have been there. Wanting anything in our life, has an unpleasant “side effect” called the GAP. The GAP between reality and our goal brings uncertainty. Can I really reach it? Am I good enough to do it? Is my goal even possible? The fear tells me: “I should not get my hopes high and then be disappointed.” To avoid fear and the unpleasant GAP, we can just choose not wanting any new things. Then we don’t risk anything,…, anything except for wasting our life chances. The biggest regrets of the dying are not the things that have tried and failed but the things they wanted and have not done at all. So take your chances and start thinking in details how does your day look like when you already live with the amazing man you always secretly dreamed of. How many details are enough and how many details are too many? That leads us to the third dead end trail. Angelica believed: “If I have too many requirements, it will  prevent me from finding “the one”. 3. TOO MANY REQUIREMENTS WILL PREVENT ME FROM FINDING THE MAN I DESIRE Angelica was regularly saying: “I am not asking for too much, I just want a decent guy.” However, the only guys who showed up, happen to be “not too much”. Women who ask for little, get nothing, women who ask for a lot, get something… Maybe you have heard that you can’t have everything in life, exactly as you want. You have to make compromises. Some women take the compromise idea and mistakenly apply it too early in their search for a man. Instead of going after what they want, they make the search too broad in fear of missing some opportunities. This approach resembles searching for a needle in a haystack. The result is counterproductive. It is not a match, so they break up saying: He wasn’t “the one”. Instead, be specific and selective. You have hundreds of potential guys for choice. When you find a man, who seems almost perfect, you will still discover over time things, not according to your wishlist. There is no perfect human being, just like we are not perfect. Here comes the time for a compromise. “Can you love your man with his flaws?” Are you a good match on other levels that you can sustain your differences? If the answer is yes, hold each others hands and help each other on the journey called life. 🙂 4. “I AM TOO PICKY” AS AN EXCUSE, WHY I AM STILL SINGLE We have heard Angelica saying “I am too picky” and she is the one, who can’t keep a guy, so it must be true… Or could it mean something else? There are at least two situations when women fall on this excuse. First situation is when they aren’t really open for a new relationship, but they meet new guys anyway, because they feel lonely. “I go on dates, but I don’t like anybody. They don’t interest me. Maybe it is because I am too picky…” Instead you may ask: “Is there anything that I am doing that is preventing me to start a real relationship?”  (Tough question for the moment, but keep reading my articles and it will start making more sense.) Second situation is about perfectionists who try to prove themselves to an unachievable level. They don’t accept their own flaws and try to hide them. Because of holding themselves to such high expectations, they can’t accept flaws of others either. “There is something wrong with the guys all the time. I don’t know why, it starts all passionate but after a while, when I show my real face, they freak out. I can’t be with a guy like that.” Sooner or later the first passion wears off and the painful spot of a perfectionist gets triggered. She exaggerates the situation. The man is shocked and criticizes her back. Criticism is the one thing perfectionist can not handle calmly. Ideal relationship soon turns into less than ideal. 🙂 For the purpose of this article, notice that the “too picky” excuse has nothing to do with having too many requirements, rather with personal struggles at deeper levels. 5. I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I DON’T WANT, BUT I SEEM TO ATTRACT THEM ALL THE TIME Angelica knows exactly that she doesn’t want a weird or a boring guy and yet they magically appear all the time! The fifth dead end trail relates to the phenomenon of a blue elephant. If I say don’t think of blue elephant, it is already too late. Your brain ignored DON’T and went straight for the content and imagined it. Similarly, when we focus on what we don’t want in a relationship, our brain ignores DON’T and magically brings us the people on our ANTI wish list. By changing the focus what you DO want, you can use your brain as you helper rather than your culprit. START DESIGNING YOUR “IDEAL MAN”MASTERPIECE TODAY   Many women made it their life mission to mold their current partner into “something better”, mostly without success. How about designing your ideal man, before you meet him, instead of trying to fix some poor guy later on? 🙂 Start the first draft of your ideal man today! Use the three dimensions of an intense relationship, as an inspiration. Attraction Compassion Compatibility What is really important to you? What are your values and priorities that would make two of you compatible? Review and update your project regularly until you are satisfied with it. When you have your ideal relationship description, think about what kind of a woman you need to be to attract and keep the man of your dreams. More inspiration on this topic is in my article: How my dating avatar helped me find an amazing husband and how you can do it too. […] Read more…
November 23, 2023Ariane was hopeless and fed up: “I have looked everywhere, they simply don’t exist anymore. I doubt that investing more time into dating makes sense. I am better of single…” She complained that real men were extinct. According to her today’s men only want easy women who throw themselves at the guys. She had several examples from her surrounding. She concluded ALL men were lazy, incapable and prefer to settle for a woman which they have to invest the least effort in. Richard, who was also present at the discussion, became agitated and gave Ariane piece of his mind: “I don’t find myself at all in the species you have described! Maybe you should reconsider what kind of people you spend time with!” Ariane was so angry with the whole world… Seventeen years ago, the father of her child left them and she struggled ever since. It was easier for her to believe that “All good men were already taken”. That way she could focus on what was wrong with “them” and justify her sad life. What was really happening was the effect of “cracked glasses” and the effect of attraction at our own “energy level”. THE EFFECT OF THE “CRACKED GLASSES” When people are freshly in love, they perceive everything beautiful and flawless. Even a rainy day seems magical. This is called the effect of pink glasses. It is a filter that makes people see only the good. Regardless of what anybody else thinks, for them, it is a reality. It has a direct effect on their happiness, ability to withstand stress and physical energy. The effect of cracked glasses works similar. It is another type of filter. It shows what’s wrong with people around us. People who choose this filter will see situations that confirm what they already believe. At the same time they will be blind to situations proving the opposite. No matter what we believe, it is true. Our reality becomes just that. The effect of this filter is doubt about future, difficulties to let go of past and overall negativity and irritability. It is natural people with this filter will complain and say bad things about others. Ariane experienced some losses or injustice during their life. She was “entitled” to be devastated when the father of her child shamelessly left them. However, seventeen years later it does not help her to be still devastated and angry, it doesn’t bring anything good to her life. WE ATTRACT WHAT WE ARE – ON THE ENERGY FREQUENCY LEVEL How is it possible that a genuinely good, caring and selfless woman repeatedly attract bad guys? Guys who don’t appreciate her, take advantage or even behave abusively?   It seems contradicting a GOOD person attracting a BAD person. It sounds that the whole law of attraction thing is bogus. Yeah, it looks black and white, until we add category “energy frequency” to the picture. Suddenly we see that the good woman, has a low opinion of herself, she is constantly trying to prove herself to be good enough and puts herself always last. Her energy frequency is quite low. The guys, she dates, mirror her and also put her last. She can honestly say they are BAD. After trying this ten times, she can logically conclude there are no good guys left, because she hasn’t met any. The solution is to increase her own energy frequency and deal with barriers that have been keeping it low. Ariane has due to her negative outlook a low energy frequency. She hangs out with friends in similar frequency and sees how these men  treat women badly. This confirms to her that real men don’t exist anymore. Do you see the vicious circle? If you attract bad profiles, it says something about your current energy frequency, not about you being a good or a bad person. Energy frequency can be changed. Once you reach higher levels, you will automatically attract people who are also at higher levels. Then you will have a different experience on your dates.   HOW TO INCREASE YOUR ENERGY FREQUENCY During our life we encounter many challenges and things aren’t always fair. We fall sometimes because we are just humans. The longer we remain crashed in a low energy state, the longer we are going to wait for a new opportunity. The sooner we bounce back from a setback, the sooner we get rewarded by unexpected good things. Sometimes people fall really deep in crash when too many things change in life at the same time and destabilise the safety structures. In that case, try to stabilise your life first. Focus on your health, reducing stress, creating supportive networks, having stable income and some positive fun activities. If needed, reach out to a professional such as a doctor, psychologist or a coach. Don’t overwhelm yourself by adding too many goals at this time. Once you feel stabilised, healthy and positive, you are ready for the growth stage. There are many educational books or programs that can support reaching your goals. Anybody actively engaging in self development is automatically increasing their energy frequency. When you continue on this journey you become a new version of yourself. Others will recognise you as high quality, energising, interesting  or simply fun to be around. Your choices of partners will increase and it is only a matter of time when you meet a “good one”. 🙂 TAKING A FIRST STEP TOWARDS INCREASING YOUR ENERGY FREQUENCY Start today by simply rating your current health, stability and happiness on a scale from 1 to 10. Then write a list of 5 energising activities and 5 energy drainers from your life. How much time do you spend on each one? How can you rearrange your time to do more energising things and less draining things? How will this impact your health, feeling of stability and overall happiness? […] Read more…
November 23, 2023Maribel was exhausted and depressed by her unsuccessful search for a man. She posted her question to the women’s forum: “What is wrong with my profile, since nobody has showed any interest in six months? Below is her profile. I am just a normal girl… I am 43, divorced.  I don’t have any children. I am mid height, ok looking. I like reading, cooking and I have a cat. I have an office job. I am a sociable person. I have been disappointed in life but I am ready to start over. I am looking for that special someone to brighten my days and enjoy the life together.  Once I meet you I promise I will make you my first and only priority in life. We will spend all the time together and have fun. I will do anything for you to make you happy. You need to be financially independent, mature, responsible and have all your issues resolved. I don’t need a man who can’t take care of himself. If you have children they need to be out of your house and independent. If you are interested, write me about yourself. Looking forward to hearing from you. Maribell What feeling do you get about Maribell? Can you tell what is wrong with this profile? PROFILE ANALYSIS Normal girl, ok looking – sounds like a woman who has under average opinion of herself, not much self confidence Hobbies such as reading, cooking and a cat are very generic. While many people including myself enjoy these things, it sounds quite boring and definitely doesn’t stand out when men read several profiles. Talking about being disappointed gives a bitter feeling and doesn’t promise much fun. Waiting for somebody else to brighten my days gives a heavy feeling of expectation from the potential partner, and a sense of sadness. While the previous items didn’t get much interest of the men, the following is a total killer: Promise to make the man her first and only priority in life – while this was meant as a good hearted intention, it is suffocating to have somebody there 24/7 without any other interest in life. I don’t need a man who…These types of statements are negative, unfriendly and point out bad experiences of the woman that she still hasn’t gotten over. Financial requirement, especially related to the potential children of the man sounds petty minded. While it is understandable she doesn’t want to sponsor life of several other people, dating profile is not the place to start the discussion about the organisation of the finances. TO SUMMARISE THE TOP 5 MISTAKES OF A DATING PROFILE    1. Starting introduction in a negative way. Example “I don’t want / need a man who….” Another example is making undermining statements about yourself, like “I am only….. / I am an average woman” or “I haven’t had much luck with men so far….” Instead say something nice and interesting about yourself. 2. Using a picture together with the previous boyfriend – while this should be obvious, many women actually don’t realise how big turn off this is. Use picture of yourself, possibly doing some activity you like, which can steer an interesting discussion. 3. Coming across as a bitchy diva. Many women use as a motto such as of Marilyn Monroe: “If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best.” While Marilyn, a professional seductress, player and idol of many men can get away with such statements, most women can’t. Men don’t get any idea of your BEST yet, but can already worry about your WORST. 4. Sounding like desperate, depressed, needy or controlling. Most men look for someone to ENJOY the life with, not to SUFFER with. Would you like to date yourself? Steer curiosity about you with a hint of a fun life they could have with you. 5. Writing too much. Keep it light, give a few highlights about yourself and save the most for later. Men will anyway first look at your picture, whether you look sympathetic, whether you smile, and only later they might become interested in your life story. A good dating profile can make a difference in the number of the men that want to meet you and increase  the chances that you will like one of them. To find out how to write an eye catching bio and  filter only the interesting men online, check out my  article: How to filter out a great man on Tinder […] Read more…
November 23, 2023They were all around me. Happy couples, holding hands in the line for ice-cream, laughing. And then, there was me. A divorced, thirty plus year old woman, already two years without a man. Sleeping alone night after night. I missed having what they had. A friend of mine shared how she recently met her love online, after ten years of being single.             I started to wonder: “Should I do something about my situation?”   A few months later I felt ready. I decided I wanted to have a husband and a family and that I was going to make it happen. I made up my mind that this time I would be in charge of the selection process. I didn’t want to depend on somebody choosing me. I learned from my past mistakes and decided not to invest time in long distance relationships or spend months on cyber chats. I wanted to meet somebody local. I registered on Tinder and the game started. Like, dislike, like, dislike. Soon I had dozens of potential matches. Men started to write me. All same boring stuff. How are you, bla bla. I realised it was quite time consuming and I didn’t feel a connection with anybody. I got overwhelmed and shut the computer down. A few days later I opened it again with a new strategy. I wrote a short story about unusual and interesting experiences from my life and sent it to a few that I considered attractive. This was my filtering technique that proved very useful. Some men replied something like “I don’t have anything similar to say like your stories”. Some just didn’t reply at all. For most this was the beginning and at the same time end of our discussion. The beauty about online dating is a numbers game. I don’t care about the twenty men who get intimidated by what I wrote, I care about the few who can come back with something interesting. The result was spectacular. I had 2-3 dates every week with a different man for three weeks. Some of dates they proposed, others I proposed myself if I considered the man interesting enough. I wanted to have a good selection before committing to a single person. It was a lot of fun getting to know them, debating life experiences. While not every man was a suitable match for me, I enjoyed meeting all of them. They were all interesting in their own way. WHO ELSE WANTS TO KNOW HOW I GOT 6 OUT OF 7 MEN ASK ME ON A SECOND DATE? Because of my simple filtering technique, I had completely different experience than what many women complain about. I had no guys wasting my time, using me as their psychologist, or asking rude questions like the size of my breast or whether I wanted to hook up for the night. Additionally I haven’t been stuck on boring dates.   Most men knew I was out of their league and we never met. On the other hand, several of the ones I met, really wanted to have relationship with me.They also enjoyed the time, since we shared an interesting discussion. Almost all of them contacted me back after the first date and wanted to meet again. I wasn’t getting attached to anybody at this point. I assumed they were also meeting multiple women and only time would show when exclusive relationship was appropriate. By not caring too much, rather taking it as a fun experience, I could be more myself, relaxed and not easily hurt by any particular man. Eventually I stopped meeting new guys when I realised in the middle of a dinner date, I was thinking of somebody else. I would have rather been with that person, instead of the new guy sitting in front of me. Only then I made a choice to give it a try with the man I liked the most. Smiley, sweet and funny man, who carried me away with his ambitious life visions and a great dancing talent. One and half year later, he asked me to marry him. I said yes. 🙂 RESONANCE FILTERING TECHNIQUE© You can use this technique to filter the interesting potential mates from the overcrowded dating market. In my workshops you will learn in detail how to do this, in connection with other dating preparation exercises. Or you can do this by yourself, according to the below steps. Once you get several men briefly interested in you online, use the Resonance Filtering Technique©. There isn’t enough time in a day to chat with twenty people about how was your day. You want to quickly know who is who and move on to the next stage. Prepare a short story about interesting events from your life, difficult situations you have overcome or something creative you have done. Describe adventures you have experienced or your big passion, life vision or dreams you want to achieve. Things that people generally don’t know about you. Pick 5 of such items. Make a good variety of topics, to have multiple conversation starters. Consider what kind of partner are you looking for. Don’t write this directly as some requirement list. Instead check which qualities that you are looking for, are reflected in your story. Rather than listing adjectives, describe a few situations. Instead of saying “sociable”, write that you enjoy meeting friends every Friday and joking together. The type of words that show are you in a “high energy frequency” are in this example “enjoy, joking.“ Somebody who is currently depressed or totally passive will not resonate with your “high energy” message and will not reply to you. Keep it short – max 10 sentences. Skip generic hobbies like reading and watching TV. Men who react to your message in a relevant way, can be considered for a meeting. Be empowered to suggest the meeting yourself. Ignore or block guys who send you irrelevant or rude comments. EXAMPLE HOW TO WRITE  I included topics like living in multiple countries, surviving a fire abroad and living out of a suitcase for a month, writing a book, organising workshops, my passion in real estate and travel. I wanted to meet somebody who is adventurous, curious, creative, open minded and with entrepreneurial mindset. Instead of saying I lived in three countries, you can say: “I know how challenging is it to start over in a new country, to make friends and to get comfortable with the system. I have done it three times. Thanks to this experience my life is interesting and full of adventures. (Guys can wonder what kind of adventures you had. They read between lines you can easily overcome challenges, you are independent, sociable, confident and adventurous.) If you don’t have enough interesting events, focus on your dreams and things you would like to experience or achieve. For example if you like horses, you can say: “I want to create a green space where horses can run free and where I can be part of the nature.” (People can read between the lines you like animals and nature, you are caring, creative and have a big vision.) After you write your eye catching bio, copy paste this message to your online contacts. At the end, say that you are curious to learn about them. Sending a direct message has a much higher chance that guys read it, compared to if you use the same content as your profile description. People are just too curious to see what somebody wrote them in order to ignore it. If you met somebody outside of the online world, use the Resonance Filtering Technique© during the early dates in a conversational form. Simple question to ask is  “What unusual things have you done in your life”. This teleports your discussion into another sphere, where stories are welcome. In that context, you can talk about your experiences without sounding like bragging. In addition to helping you get to know each other, it also makes the evening more fun. One story leads into another, both of you feel relaxed without running out of topics to talk about. Ready to give it a try? […] Read more…
November 23, 2023Sam was looking at me confidently across the table on our first date and nonchalantly complimented on my figure. He started to draw a picture of an adventure I could experience with him. It included slightly illegal things that are only allowed in Amsterdam. He presented himself as a successful fun guy, who had a lot of women interested in him. However he only spends time with high quality people “like me” because he has no time to waste. “Wow, how impressive, I am already feeling special, right?” 🙂 He was clearly a player. While he was putting up his show, I was amused by him. I have to admit players are fun to be around.He didn’t expect what came next. He asked me about my book I mentioned during our online chat. “What is the book* about? “ I said: “I am writing about two kinds of women and their different results in life.”The first group of women are nice, caring, supportive, but don’t seem to be able to get what they want and deserve. Their partners don’t give back as much as they think they deserve.The second group can easily get the men to do anything they want. They use charm, flirting, flattering and later manipulations to get what they want. Men are excited to be with them. Often the women are quite cold and calculative. They are self-centered and don’t care about anybody else but themselves.Note: * Referring to book “Tune in your Mindful Diva” PLAYER CAUGHT IN ACTION As I finished my description, Sam slid down the chair as if he wanted to hide under the table, became slightly pale and said: “I feel like naked in front of you, like you know everything about me. I am like the second group. That’s how I treat women.”From that point on, he dropped his act and started behaving like an equal friend. It was clear we were not going to date, but he found me fascinating and wanted to stay in touch. He even thought of some acquaintance of his who could be a good match for me, since I was looking for a REAL relationship. WHO IS PLAYING WHO? After that he opened up and shared a story. He was always the one who broke girls’ heart, never call them back after having sex. The more they cared, the less interest he showed. The story repeated until one day. He met a beautiful woman in Hungary, who carried him away into her magic world. She took him around the special places of Budapest, spent a fantastic and a passionate weekend with him. She was different than all the other girls. There was something special about her, so much confidence and independence.He really fell for this woman and wanted to be in a relationship with her. But she was a player too. She dropped him like dirty socks and never returned his calls. The relationship finished as fast as the weekend. He really missed her. For once he knew how it was to be played. HOW TO SPOT A PLAYER Players are generally very confident, smooth talkers and sociable. They pay attention to details, give compliments and take action towards physical contact. Male players make the woman feel special and noticed.  As a side note, female players often use seduction consisting of contradicting messages, such as fire with body, cold with mind, which drives the men crazy. Players figure out what do you want and become just that until they have you. They have the image of an ideal lover, with the hint of danger and adventure. In reality they are only interested in themselves. They stay as long as it brings them some benefit. After they got what they wanted (sex, money or other advantages), they move on.It is easy to fall victim to a player once. However if you notice a pattern that you are always attracted to players, or your own behaviour resembles to the one of players, while you actually want to have a relationship, consider whether this could be a form of self sabotage. More about this topic is in my article How to have a relationship without losing the benefits of single life. GOOD GUYS ARE JUST TOO SWEET During the same period I had another date. The man arrived early and was waiting for me. He had a big smile when we met and acted as a gentlemen. As he sat across the table, he got a bit nervous. Clearly he hasn’t been seeing too many women in his life.We had a nice conversation, here and there was a quiet moment. He seemed down to earth and sincere, not trying to impress me by some fake stuff. At the end of the evening he didn’t try to kiss me, but really wanted to arrange a second date. He was polite and not pushy at all. I felt like I could relax with him and drop the self-protective mode. I was so relaxed that I actually didn’t think this could lead to anything more. He was just too sweet. ARE GOOD GUYS TOO NICE FOR THEIR OWN BAD? You have probably heard a story about a woman breaking up with a guy with an excuse “You are just too nice”. Men usually don’t get it what does it mean and blame the woman that there is something wrong with her when she can only be attracted to bad guys. Women are attracted to men who are “manly”, show decision skills and confidence. While we live in liberated world, women still want their man to protect them in case of some physical danger or to suggest a clear direction. When the man is too sweet, woman feels she can’t rely on him in tough situations. Ideal is when a man can be sometimes a sweet teddy bear for hugs, strong and playful bear that turn the woman on and another times a rough grizzly to protect his family.On our second date, my sweet man got his confidence back, made me laugh by his witty comments and shared his life visions that impressed me. Only then I started to think of him as a potential partner. He turned out to be much more than just a good guy. He is the greatest man I met and the love of my life. HOW TO SPOT A GOOD GUY    Good guys need more time to impress a woman, they have to build up their image over a period of 2-3 dates, in case they care. When people don’t care about the outcome, they can be much more relaxed and more confident.If your first date is quite nervous, take it as a good sign. If you like him at least a little bit, give him another chance to show you what he is about. Notice whether he is willing to do some things for you that might be inconvenient for him. Selfish men would not bother too much for a specific woman, when they can get another one instead.While being a good guy is a good start for a relationship, it is not enough by itself.Read about three dimensions of an intense relationship in my article: 5 dead end trails where single women get lost, before even starting their search for Mr. Right […] Read more…
November 23, 2023After his divorce Jan felt lonely and wanted to find a new partner. However he doubted he was able to do it: “I don’t like to present myself and compete with others at the dating market. Which woman would possibly like my bald head?” His neighbour Susan was also single and insecure: “I am too skinny and not pretty enough for men to like me. I am not interesting enough to stand out of the crowd.”  They secretly liked each other but… When they accidentally met on the street, both quickly looked down and quietly passed one another. Every night they were sleeping alone at the opposite sides of the same wall. The wall of insecurities. Both were thinking: “I feel like I am the only ones with this problem!” If only were they able to accept their own little imperfections, they could have already been enjoying a glass of wine on a teras together. GOOD LOOKING AND ATTRACTIVE IS NOT THE SAME Attraction makes the difference when we are deciding whether an interesting man can be your potential partner or just a friend. Same applies from men’s point of view. If we were not born looking like a supermodel, we can mistakenly assume that our body will prevent us from being attractive to men. In a study, group of women were rating, how attracted do they feel to different men. Surprisingly the best looking men received lower attraction score than expected. The reason was that the women were subconsciously considering whether the man would be also kind. They didn’t get this impression from some of the best looking men. According to another study, conducted by dating app Tinder, people assess the attractiveness of potential dates not solely on the physical body, but also according to the feeling they get from the picture. They try to assess whether the person would be a good match. They do this intuitively based on the style of the picture, background, colors, group setting versus individual activity. Picture of somebody walking a dog on a quiet beach gives a completely different impression than a picture of somebody high fiving a friend at a rock concert. The way our body looks like certainly plays a role in the attractiveness, but is not the only decision factor. Good looking and attractive is not the same. So what are the other features of attractiveness? ATTRACTION FEATURES IN A BOX Imagine a man who drags his feet on the ground, with a slouched back, staring on the ground. Next to him walks in a swift way another man, with his head up. When your eyes accidentally meet, he smiles. Which one would be more attractive? While you can’t easily change your body, you have a lot of control over other attraction features: the type of words you use, facial expression, body posture, color choice and mental attitude. All these affect your attractiveness and tell something about your current “energy frequency“. How to quickly read basic clues about attraction Physiology clues: Low energy is associated with bent posture, limited eye contact, shallow breathing. High energy is associated with straight posture, relaxed face, smile and relaxed movements. Color clues: Low feminine energy is associated with wearing grey, black and plain clothes, as if the woman wanted to be invisible. Women reduce their noticeability by selecting colors and style traditionally used by men. High energy is associated with wearing colorful and feminine clothes, accessories and hairstyle that shows the woman feels good in her skin. Emotional clues: Low energy is associated with being anxious, sad, angry, jealous, depressed. High energy is associated with being excited, creative, sociable, funny, curious and playful. Studies have shown that when we change our physiology, it also has an effect on our mental state. For example standing in a victorious posture and smiling will affect how you feel. That makes physiology a powerful tool on the way to “high energy zone” and to increase attractiveness. HOW IT LOOKS LIKE IN REAL LIFE I decided to use myself as a guinea pig to show you the difference. VERY LOW ENERGY DAY – SPARKLE IS GONE HIGH ENERGY DAY – WITH SPARKLE IN THE EYES I wish I can say I always had only great days with high energy, but that is not true. During some difficult period I really felt like I wanted to be invisible. I noticed about myself the color clues, that I mentioned. You can see on the left, the attraction is completely gone and on the right it is there…  HOW TO USE PHYSIOLOGY TO INCREASE YOUR SEX-APPEAL A super booster to your sex-appeal is a combination of confidence and approachability. There is a way how to use your physiology to increase both confidence and approachability. For this I created an exercise called “Confidence with a smile”. Confidence With a Smile Exercise© The exercise consists of three parts. Color clues: Dress in a way that makes you feel good and attractive (elicits confidence). Dress in a feminine way, this shows you are embracing your gender. In the times of emancipated women, looking feminine is especially attractive to men. Physiology clues: Look at  yourself in the mirror with a big smile and then walk outside on the street, where there are a lot of people. Walk slowly and relaxingly, breathe slowly and deeply and smile. (elicits confidence and approachability) Emotional clues: Walk like you own the street and people there, are your guests. (elicits confidence and hospitality) Look people in the eyes and smile as you are meeting them. Smile at all, young and old, everybody without an exception. See how many smiles you get back. On one side this exercise requires to step out of your comfort zone. On the other side, every smile you get, will make your day nicer. People will start noticing you. This is a simple but yet complex exercise that will make you stand out of the crowd. Practice it regularly until it becomes comfortable. The purpose isn’t to pick up random guys, but to increase your confidence and approachability. That way you have it available when you need it. WARNING: It could happen to you, men will abandon their restaurant dinner and will chase after you as it happened to me. Two second smile can do a lot. Have fun with it. In case you are not quite ready for the full version, start with just the walking part, later add smile, then add looking at people and finally add the emotional part of owning the street and having guests. Confidence, approachability and also happiness are signs of high energy zone. The following is a story what can happen in reality when high energy shines out of you. WHO ELSE WANTS TO KNOW HOW I MOVED FROM ZERO TO EIGHT DATING PROPOSALS IN THREE WEEKS     After completing some stressful certification exams, there was a period when I felt particularly happy and relaxed. I looked at people and smiled just because I was in a good mood. For the rest I haven’t changed anything. I had still the same body. I was surprised to get feedback in the form of increased attractiveness. I had eight dating proposals in the period of three weeks from complete strangers on the street, in the subway and at the train station. All because I felt particularly happy during this period. Men found me approachable and were not afraid to start the conversation. One man reported he had seen me for several months on the train but this was the time he decided to talk to me.   I noticed the contrast. When I am in the low energy level, busy in my own head, people don’t talk to me. After this experience I realised I don’t need to be afraid of being alone. I just need to get myself to that high energy level. Everything else will fall in place. […] Read more…
November 23, 2023It has been already two years after the heartbreaking experience, but Jane is still scared to give dating another try. With a trembling voice she said: “I am scared I will not be able to stand up for myself and will get hurt again.”   Jane has a good reason for her concern because she are unknowingly caring a dating saboteur with her. Dating saboteur is forcing her to behave according to three rules: “I don’t deserve” “I am not good enough” “Others come before me” The effect of the dating saboteur is tricky. It causes that people are unkind to their own feelings, they accept less than good standard, reject great things coming their way, and put themselves last. It starts from the smallest things that seem unrelated to dating. Eventually the small things create a whole lifestyle and indirectly affect  the search for Mr. Right. Here is an example how it works. ONE DAY UNDER THE SPELL OF THE SABOTEUR Alarm clock rings. Time to get ready for work. What should I wear? “Just pick something, whatever.” The pants are little lose. “That’s fine, just wear it, nobody will notice.” I come to the train and sit down. Suddenly I smell some chemical. Oh no, a woman is painting her nails. I want to move somewhere else. “No, you are already sitting down, that’s too much work to move now.” Another busy day in the office. So many emails, people need my help and I have projects to work on. I answer all of their questions. Oh I need to go to the bathroom. “Just wait for a moment, you are in the middle of writing this email, just finish it first.” Six o’clock comes. I am tired, but I haven’t even started my projects yet. So I begin now.  It is seven o’clock I really want to go home, it has been a stressful day. “Not quite yet, just stay another half an hour, work on the project some more, you need to make a progress.” Ok I stay another half an hour.  I run for the train and barely make it, catching my breath. I come home tired at 8.30pm. I am all stiff, I have not exercised in ages. I wanted to make a dating profile this week, but I don’t feel like it right now. Maybe tomorrow if I have a better day. I am exhausted, I just watch some TV and go to sleep. ONE DAY WITH LISTENING TO YOUR FEELINGS Alarm clock rings. Time to get ready for work. What should I wear? “Pick something that makes you feel good and fits you well.”  Oh, yes I love this dress. I look great in it. I come to the train and sit down. Suddenly I smell some chemical. Oh no, a woman is painting her nails. “There is no way my dear is going to sit in this unhealthy environment. Let’s walk around and find a better spot.“ Another busy day in the office. “Before you get started working my dear, what drinks would you like? Let’s go get some for you.“ So many emails, people need my help and I have projects to work on. I have to set a time this afternoon, where I only focus on my project. Oh I need to go to the bathroom. “Of course, take a break, the email can wait a few minutes.”   Six o clock comes. I made a good progress on my project. My next train comes in 15 minutes. “Let’s start shutting down and take a relaxing walk to enjoy some fresh air.”      I come home. This evening I have a second date with an interesting man. The evening is going to be so much fun! I am curious how things develop. 🙂 WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE THAT MAKES THE DIFFERENCE? According to Adam Grant the author of “Give and Take”, the least successful people are selfless givers. Their health, personal energy and romantic relationships suffer. They are perceived as inefficient at work, because they spend too much time on helping others. Selfless givers make statements such as: “I would really like to have a relationship, but right now others need me. It would be selfish to be concerned with my own interests. If I spent time on dating, I would be a bad mother.  After my children grow up / parents die / my company goes through a merger, … then there will be time for me.“ Selfless givers put themselves last. They are so concerned about being too selfish, that they don’t notice they are on the opposite side of the extreme. They live for others, disconnected from their own needs. They don’t see that being selfish is very different from being true to themselves. The missing piece in the puzzle is balance. Clearly the dating saboteur isn’t much of a help. What about the dating avatar? What can it do for you? HOW TO CREATE YOUR DATING AVATAR Your dating avatar is the opposite of your dating saboteur. It is your best friend that will kindly support you in your search for Mr. Right. Think of a name for yourself. Not your normal name, but something creative that resonates with you. It represents how do you want to feel about yourself, how do you want to think of yourself and how you want to be perceived and treated by men.    Examples of the names are: Lady, Pearl, Queen, Cherry on a cake, Flower. Now add the physical appearance, style and skills to your avatar. You are describing your ideal self, do not worry about the fact current status might be different than ideal. Just have fun with it, be daring in your description. When all is ready imagine to step inside the mindset of your avatar. From there you can see and do everything just like the avatar. Whenever you need to connect with these skills, you enter your chosen avatar. Following is a story how it worked for me. HOW A QUIET MOUSE BECAME THE QUEEN Before I started with my avatar, I used to be the quiet mouse that put up with everything. I picked a name: “Exquisite lady”. It represented that I am a valuable person. I wanted to be treated like a lady. I wanted to be able to stand up for myself. My first test came. I had to address something that made me upset. Little voice in my head said. “What if he leaves you?” But then I set my mind in my avatar. I felt I was the “Exquisite lady”. From this point it was normal I needed to tell him straight forward what made me upset.  A man who does not care, does not deserve me. So it doesn’t matter if he would leave. At first he was upset and asked: “Do you think you are Queen Elizabeth?” I was surprised, wow, that’s amazing how accurately he picked up my avatar and I said: “Yes, I am. How did you know?” Something unexpected happened afterwards. He appologized and went out of his way to treat me well. In the end he wasn’t my prince charming, but he helped me with the practice of standing up for myself. The graduation came when I decided he wasn’t the right one for the Exquisite lady and I moved on. In a near future, I met my future husband. My husband often talks about our first date. He thought I was a unique elegant lady with feminine moves. He was convinced to do everything to make this lady his. And he did. 🙂  Now you know how my avatar helped me attract an amazing husband and you can do the same. […] Read more…
November 3, 2023Linda was excited: ”I think I finally found the one, his name is Tomas!” Tomas could have been an ideal boyfriend, handsome and fun. He always dreamed of a beautiful wife, somebody like Linda. However, something inside him was scared he would lose his freedom and his life would become boring. All these years he tried so hard to find her and yet he did not allow any of the women to become the “one”. Unfortunately… Linda was no exception. She was devastated: “I don’t get it, did I do something wrong?” Years later, when Tomas realised what he was doing, he covered his face with his hands to prevent the tears from coming. Tomas is not the only one with such a problem. Many women also struggle with an internal conflict. THE TWO SIDES OF YOUR LOSE – LOSE SITUATION  You honestly want to have a nice relationship and enjoy everything that comes with it. The connection with somebody who understands you Intellectual conversations with a partner who inspires you Expressing your passion on Sunday morning and other times 🙂 Exploring the world together already next vacation Watching your kids or your dogs run around the garden And above all love, compassion and mutual support On the other side, you have a good life right now and you don’t want to give it up. Socialising with friends, not worrying about what time is it Attending parties and events, where you can experience something new You have all the time for yourself and your projects All options are open, you can live in the moment and change your mind anytime You have freedom, independence and image of an interesting life No matter which side you pick, there will always be the losing side, empty and unfulfilled.   THE DEVASTATING IMPACT ON DATING LIFE, THAT MOST SINGLES DON’T KNOW ABOUT   When you are in this situation, you will unknowingly sabotage yourself from having a relationship. Logically you can take all the steps towards finding a partner, but subconsciously, you block yourself to complete it. This way you are giving a bit to one side and a bit to the other side, without any of them winning completely over the other one. You can spend years doing this, without getting anywhere. Below are two stories, one about Tomas and one about Jane.   TOMAS – THE IDEAL BOYFRIEND WHICH NO WOMAN CAN HAVE   Tomas is an attractive man with a sense of humour and great sociable skills. He is dreaming of a beautiful intelligent wife with whom he could raise two children. Meanwhile he spends every evening at events, where he meets dozens of single hotties. He is really trying to find “the one”. Despite his efforts, somehow all of them fall into the “just friends”category. What’s wrong? A few years back Tomas invited his married friend Rick for a night out. Rick didn’t stay out till 4am like they used to, in the olden days. Instead he had excuses about things he had to do with his wife and children. Tomas made a conclusion that his poor friend has a boring life and he had lost all his freedom. How terrible! Subconsciously Tomas doesn’t want to become such boring person and let his life be controlled by some chic. That price is too high! Imagine, next week you go on a date with a guy, things start to develop well and suddenly he gets cold feet for no reason. Chances are he is like Tomas. It is a pity, but don’t try to fix him, you can’t be his psychologist and a sexy lover at the same time.   JANE – WANNA BE “MOM”, WHO IS HOPELESSLY ADDICTED TO PLAYERS   Jane is an energetic, positive and a sociable woman. One part of her is wishing for a husband and children. She would like to feel safe and comfortable with her own family, at their beautiful country house. Another part of her thinks her life in a relationship would be boring, she would be missing out on all the exciting parties with friends. She is also putting a lot of action into meeting the man of her dreams. She spend her free time socialising in singles groups. For some reason she is most attracted to players. These men have a crowd of fans and no intention of settling down. Jane is able to enjoy a bit of a relationship on the short lived dates and at the same time remain single and unattached. However the dream of family and safety is hardly going to happen this way.   HOW TO NEGOTIATE WITH YOURSELF TO WIN   The internal conflict caused that Jane has a sort of split personality. It is like having two people in her head and each one wants something else. A (wants excitement) says: “Whaaaat, you want to tie yourself down with a boyfriend? How boring, your life will be so predictable every day, same guy, same conversations, same sex, you will be missing out on the real life!” B (wants family) argues: “You are so stupid, unattached and irresponsible, I hate you! You gonna die alone!” Jane doesn’t know she has these two voices inside her head, after all they live in her subconsciousness. All she knows, despite her efforts, it is not working. Any suggestions what should she do? “What if A and B could sit down and have a negotiation? What if they could become friends and find a solution that satisfies both? Would they gain more together than what they have now separately?” Let’s see.   SHAKING HANDS WITH YOUR “ENEMY”   At first the two see each other very negatively, as enemies. A says about B: “She is too clingy, boring and predictable.” B says about A: “She is too independent, unattached and unstable.” The icebreaker is to hear the motivation behind each others actions. A wants: to be part of her group of friends, wants to have connection with friends and express herself. B wants: to have connection with her partner, safety and comfort of her family and create a meaningful life. Friendship starts to form when they realise, they have some goals in common. They both look for CONNECTION and BELONGING. Eventually they become collaborators and set a new goal together. They both want to find more CONNECTION and BELONGING in a meaningful way and with a possibility of self expression.     THE SURPRISINGLY SIMPLE SOLUTION THAT CHANGED THE LIFE OF JANE & TOMAS   Jane realised  that her common goals were CONNECTION and BELONGING. She spends time with her circle of friends, where she feels supported and part of the group. She continues to expresses herself creatively, taking beautiful pictures of people. She is open to build new connections that support meaningful life. She realised that spending time with players does not support her value of meaningful connections and will never give her safety of belonging. When she stopped focusing on the players, she noticed there were other men around her, who are also searching for real connection. She  became open to have both a life partner, with whom she can create a family and her social life with friends. When she least expected that, she met a man, different than all the players, who became her boyfriend. Finally she has a real partner who cares about her and wants to create a future together.  UPDATE OF THE STORY: Soon they moved in together. A year later I saw an announcement on Facebook they have a baby boy together. Since then I regularly see her posts continuing her social life and including her partner and their child.        Tomas found out that his common goals were CONNECTION and ATTENTION. He continues his social life, enjoying group’s attention for his sense of humour. He met a beautiful woman and decided to give the relationship an honest try. He noticed that the private time with her, gives “connection and attention” a whole new meaning.Taking time to be with her doesn’t feel like a sacrifice, on the contrary it is something he is looking forward to. He is glad when they both find time, with their busy schedules. Last week his buddy asked him out. They had a few beers and at 11pm Tomas excused himself because he still wanted to enjoy time with his lady. His friend couldn’t believe it. He thought Tomas was controlled and boring. Suddenly Tomas realised something. His happiness and freedom is not defined by what others think about him, but by his priorities at that time. He chooses to spend time on what is important to him. Now he finally understood that his married friend, from years back, made a choice to be with his family, and that the three hours out, was simply enough for him. 🙂 You see, you can have both a relationship and activities from your single life. It is not a question of one or the other but about finding a balance. Analogically, you are not deciding between a plate of meat or a plate or potatoes. You want to have some of both and so you make it fit on one plate. In life, when you expect to have both, you will naturally find a balance according to what is important to you at a time. CONTACT FORM Your name * Your email * Your phone number Text of message *  […] Read more…