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How to filter out a great man on Tinder

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They were all around me. Happy couples, holding hands in the line for ice-cream, laughing. And then, there was me. A divorced, thirty plus year old woman, already two years without a man. Sleeping alone night after night. I missed having what they had. A friend of mine shared how she recently met her love online, after ten years of being single.             I started to wonder: "Should I do something about my situation?"  

A few months later I felt ready. I decided I wanted to have a husband and a family and that I was going to make it happen.

I made up my mind that this time I would be in charge of the selection process. I didn't want to depend on somebody choosing me. I learned from my past mistakes and decided not to invest time in long distance relationships or spend months on cyber chats. I wanted to meet somebody local. I registered on Tinder and the game started. Like, dislike, like, dislike. Soon I had dozens of potential matches.

Men started to write me. All same boring stuff. How are you, bla bla. I realized it was quite time consuming and I didn’t feel a connection with anybody. I got overwhelmed and shut the computer down.

A few days later I opened it again with a new strategy. I wrote a short story about unusual and interesting experiences from my life and sent it to a few that I considered attractive. This was my filtering technique that proved very useful. Some men replied something like “I don’t have anything similar to say like your stories”. Some just didn’t reply at all. For most this was the beginning and at the same time end of our discussion. The beauty about online dating is a numbers game. I don’t care about the twenty men who get intimidated by what I wrote, I care about the few who can come back with something interesting.

The result was spectacular. I had 2-3 dates every week with a different man for three weeks. Some of dates they proposed, others I proposed myself if I considered the man interesting enough. I wanted to have a good selection before committing to a single person.

It was a lot of fun getting to know them, debating life experiences. While not every man was a suitable match for me, I enjoyed meeting all of them. They were all interesting in their own way.

Who else wants to know how I got 6 out of 7 men ask me on a second date?

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Because of my simple filtering technique, I had completely different experience than what many women complain about. I had no guys wasting my time, using me as their psychologist, or asking rude questions like the size of my breast or whether I wanted to hook up for the night. Additionally I haven’t been stuck on boring dates.  

Most men knew I was out of their league and we never met. On the other hand, several of the ones I met, really wanted to have relationship with me.They also enjoyed the time, since we shared an interesting discussion. Almost all of them contacted me back after the first date and wanted to meet again. I wasn’t getting attached to anybody at this point. I assumed they were also meeting multiple women and only time would show when exclusive relationship was appropriate. By not caring too much, rather taking it as a fun experience, I could be more myself, relaxed and not easily hurt by any particular man.

Eventually I stopped meeting new guys when I realized in the middle of a dinner date, I was thinking of somebody else. I would have rather been with that person, instead of the new guy sitting in front of me. Only then I made a choice to give it a try with the man I liked the most. Smiley, sweet and funny man, who carried me away with his ambitious life visions and a great dancing talent. One and half year later, he asked me to marry him. I said yes. :-)

Resonance Filtering Technique©

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You can use this technique to filter the interesting potential mates from the overcrowded dating market. In my workshops you will learn in detail how to do this, in connection with other dating preparation exercises. Or you can do this by yourself, according to the below steps.

Once you get several men briefly interested in you online, use the Resonance Filtering Technique©. There isn’t enough time in a day to chat with twenty people about how was your day. You want to quickly know who is who and move on to the next stage.

Prepare a short story about interesting events from your life, difficult situations you have overcome or something creative you have done. Describe adventures you have experienced or your big passion, life vision or dreams you want to achieve. Things that people generally don’t know about you. Pick 5 of such items. Make a good variety of topics, to have multiple conversation starters. Consider what kind of partner are you looking for. Don’t write this directly as some requirement list. Instead check which qualities that you are looking for, are reflected in your story.

Rather than listing adjectives, describe a few situations. Instead of saying “sociable”, write that you enjoy meeting friends every Friday and joking together. The type of words that show are you in a “high energy frequency” are in this example “enjoy, joking.“

Somebody who is currently depressed or totally passive will not resonate with your “high energy” message and will not reply to you.

Keep it short - max 10 sentences. Skip generic hobbies like reading and watching TV. Men who react to your message in a relevant way, can be considered for a meeting. Be empowered to suggest the meeting yourself. Ignore or block guys who send you irrelevant or rude comments.

EXAMPLE how to write

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I included topics like living in multiple countries, surviving a fire abroad and living out of a suitcase for a month, writing a book, organizing workshops, my passion in real estate and travel. I wanted to meet somebody who is adventurous, curious, creative, open minded and with entrepreneurial mindset.

Instead of saying I lived in three countries, you can say: “I know how challenging is it to start over in a new country, to make friends and to get comfortable with the system. I have done it three times. Thanks to this experience my life is interesting and full of adventures. (Guys can wonder what kind of adventures you had. They read between lines you can easily overcome challenges, you are independent, sociable, confident and adventurous.)

If you don’t have enough interesting events, focus on your dreams and things you would like to experience or achieve. For example if you like horses, you can say: “I want to create a green space where horses can run free and where I can be part of the nature.” (People can read between the lines you like animals and nature, you are caring, creative and have a big vision.)

After you write your eye catching bio, copy paste this message to your online contacts. At the end, say that you are curious to learn about them. Sending a direct message has a much higher chance that guys read it, than if you use the same content as your profile description. People are just too curious to see what somebody wrote them in order to ignore it.

If you met somebody outside of the online world, use the Resonance Filtering Technique© during the early dates in a conversational form. Simple question to ask is  “What unusual things have you done in your life”. This teleports your discussion into another sphere, where stories are welcome. In that context, you can talk about your experiences without sounding like bragging. In addition to helping you get to know each other, it also makes the evening more fun. One story leads into another, both of you feel relaxed without running out of topics to talk about.

Ready to give it a try?

If you have a question, you can contact me at info@michaelaray.com.


Partner relationship

I was avoiding to think about dating because I was afraid it would make me long for it even more. The workshop helped me get reassurance and insight into what I want and confidence that I can get it. I particularly liked the combination of the exercises with an 'unconscious' integration - that makes it very powerful.

Update after 6 months: I am 2,5 months in a relationship that I enjoy very much. I am especcialy happy that we are both able to understand each other and communicate in a mature way. 

Update 2 years later: Engagement :-) 

Olivia Brussels
Public speaking

I decided to explore "What prevents me from doing what I want in life." I achieved a quick unblocking result. During six sessions, I got rid of the limiting thoughts that were causing me suffering. For years I had trouble speaking in public or in front of a group. I always felt shame, that I was not good enough, that I had nothing to say. After a session where we worked through this feeling of shame, I realized that I suddenly had no problem speaking in a group. I felt proud and excited to be able to share who I am and what I want to bring. Now it is easy to spread my opinion and my intention. And it feels great!!!

Update one year later: Tine has her own business, supports women, does public webinars and live events.

Tine, 48 Antwerpen
Boundaries and my identity

I started with the topic "What I want in a relationship". Results after five sessions: 1. I know what kind of man and what kind of relationship I want. 2. I am more clear about what I want from life in general. 3. I am starting to define my identity more and I am learning to protect it. Setting boundaries helps me better protect my energy and use it for my goals. After years I finally felt inspired to create a website and I'm proud of it. I realized that I deserved to enjoy the money I earned and planned a trip that I was looking forward to. I started taking better care of my appearance. It feels good and people noticed it right away. I feel that I am becoming more authentic.

Karin Fox Germany
Online dating

It took me a while to move to the “real dating“ since I first had to get into my zone. Now, I am able to choose between many men. Thanks to the book "Mindful Diva Dating" and extra training support, I am on track. Even better news, meanwhile Mr. Right appeared!

I am very glad Michaela taught me her system how to undertake dating with joy and laughter. One of the best decisions I made in a long time!

Denise, 60 Antwerpen


Looking for life changes, new direction in career, relationship or overcoming losses and traumas? Let's have a private, discrete talk about what you are looking for. 

Let's talk about your situation and goals

Looking for life changes, new direction in career, relationship or overcoming losses and traumas? Let's have a private, discrete talk about what you are looking for.