Linda was no exception. She was devastated: “I don’t get it, did I do something wrong?” Years later, when Tomas realized what he was doing, he covered his face with his hands to prevent the tears from coming.
Tomas is not the only one with such a problem. Many women also struggle with an internal conflict.
The two sides of your lose - lose situation
You honestly want to have a nice relationship and enjoy everything that comes with it.
- The connection with somebody who understands you
- Intellectual conversations with a partner who inspires you
- Expressing your passion on Sunday morning and other times :-)
- Exploring the world together already next vacation
- Watching your kids or your dogs run around the garden
- And above all love, compassion and mutual support
On the other side, you have a good life right now and you don't want to give it up.
- Socializing with friends, not worrying about what time is it
- Attending parties and events, where you can experience something new
- You have all the time for yourself and your projects
- All options are open, you can live in the moment and change your mind anytime
- You have freedom, independence and image of an interesting life
No matter which side you pick, there will always be the losing side, empty and unfulfilled.
The devastating impact on dating life, that most singles don’t know about
When you are in this situation, you will unknowingly sabotage yourself from having a relationship. Logically you can take all the steps towards finding a partner, but subconsciously, you block yourself to complete it. This way you are giving a bit to one side and a bit to the other side, without any of them winning completely over the other one. You can spend years doing this, without getting anywhere. Below are two stories, one about Tomas and one about Jane.
Tomas - the ideal boyfriend which no woman can have
Tomas is an attractive man with a sense of humor and great sociable skills. He is dreaming of a beautiful intelligent wife with whom he could raise two children. Meanwhile he spends every evening at events, where he meets dozens of single hotties. He is really trying to find “the one”. Despite his efforts, somehow all of them fall into the “just friends”category. What's wrong?
A few years back Tomas invited his married friend Rick for a night out. Rick didn't stay out till 4am like they used to, in the olden days. Instead he had excuses about things he had to do with his wife and children. Tomas made a conclusion that his poor friend has a boring life and he had lost all his freedom. How terrible! Subconsciously Tomas doesn't want to become such boring person and let his life be controlled by some chic. That price is too high!
Imagine, next week you go on a date with a guy, things start to develop well and suddenly he gets cold feet for no reason. Chances are he is like Tomas. It is a pity, but don’t try to fix him, you can’t be his psychologist and a sexy lover at the same time.
Jane - wanna be “mom”, who is hopelessly addicted to players
Jane is an energetic, positive and a sociable woman. One part of her is wishing for a husband and three children. She would like to feel safe and comfortable with her own family, at their beautiful country house. Another part of her thinks her life in a relationship would be boring, she would be missing out on all the exciting parties with friends.
She is also putting a lot of action into meeting the man of her dreams. She spend her free time socializing in singles groups. For some reason she is most attracted to players. These men have a crowd of fans and no intention of settling down. Jane is able to enjoy a bit of a relationship on the short lived dates and at the same time remain single and unattached. However the dream of family and safety is hardly going to happen this way.
How to negotiate with yourself to win
The internal conflict caused that Jane has a sort of split personality. It is like having two people in her head and each one wants something else.
A (wants excitement) says: “Whaaaat, you want to tie yourself down with a boyfriend? How boring, your life will be so predictable every day, same guy, same conversations, same sex, you will be missing out on the real life!"
B (wants family) argues: “You are so stupid, unattached and irresponsible, I hate you! You gonna die alone!”
Jane doesn’t know she has these two voices inside her head, after all they live in her subconsciousness. All she knows, despite her efforts, it is not working. Any suggestions what should she do?
“What if A and B could sit down and have a negotiation? What if they could become friends and find a solution that satisfies both? Would they gain more together than what they have now separately?” Let's see.
Shaking hands with your “enemy”
At first the two see each other very negatively, as enemies.
A says about B: “She is too clingy, boring and predictable.”
B says about A: “She is too independent, unattached and unstable.”
The icebreaker is to hear the motivation behind each others actions.
A wants: to be part of her group of friends, wants to have connection with friends and express herself.
B wants: to have connection with her partner, safety and comfort of her family and create a meaningful life.
Friendship starts to form when they realize, they have some goals in common. They both look for CONNECTION and BELONGING.
Eventually they become collaborators and set a new goal together. They both want to find more CONNECTION and BELONGING in a meaningful way and with a possibility of self expression.
The surprisingly simple solution that changed the life of Jane & Tomas
Jane realized that her common goals were CONNECTION and BELONGING. She spends time with her circle of friends, where she feels supported and part of the group. She continues to expresses herself creatively, taking beautiful pictures of people. She is open to build new connections that support meaningful life. She realized that spending time with players does not support her value of meaningful connections and will never give her safety of belonging. When she stopped focusing on the players, she noticed there were other men around her, who are also searching for real connection. She became open to have both a life partner, with whom she can create a family and her social life with friends. When she least expected that, she met a man, different than all the players, who became her boyfriend. Finally she has a real partner who cares about her and wants to create a future together.
Tomas found out that his common goals were CONNECTION and ATTENTION. He continues his social life, enjoying group’s attention for his sense of humor. He met a beautiful woman and decided to give the relationship an honest try. He noticed that the private time with her, gives “connection and attention” a whole new meaning.Taking time to be with her doesn't feel like a sacrifice, on the contrary it is something he is looking forward to. He is glad when they both find time, with their busy schedules.
Last week his buddy asked him out. They had a few beers and at 11pm Tomas excused himself because he still wanted to enjoy time with his lady. His friend couldn't believe it. He thought Tomas was controlled and boring.
Suddenly Tomas realized something. His happiness and freedom is not defined by what others think about him, but by his priorities at that time. He chooses to spend time on what is important to him. Now he finally understood that his married friend, from years back, made a choice to be with his family, and that the three hours out, was simply enough for him. :-)
You see, you can have both a relationship and activities from your single life. It is not a question of one or the other but about finding a balance. Analogically, you are not deciding between a plate of meat or a plate or potatoes. You want to have some of both and so you make it fit on one plate. In life, when you expect to have both, you will naturally find a balance according to what is important to you at a time.
If you have a question, you can contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org or write a comment below.