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How to spot a players versus a good guy

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Sam was looking at me confidently across the table on our first date and nonchalantly complimented on my figure. He started to draw a picture of an adventure I could experience with him. It included slightly illegal things that are only allowed in Amsterdam.

He presented himself as a successful fun guy, who had a lot of women interested in him. However he only spends time with high quality people “like me” because he has no time to waste. "Wow, how impressive, I am already feeling special, right?" :-)

He was clearly a player. While he was putting up his show, I was amused by him. I have to admit players are fun to be around.
He didn’t expect what came next.

He asked me about my book I mentioned during our online chat. “What is the book* about? “ I said: “I am writing about two kinds of women and their different results in life.”

The first group of women are nice, caring, supportive, but don’t seem to be able to get what they want and deserve. Their partners don’t give back as much as they think they deserve.

The second group can easily get the men to do anything they want. They use charm, flirting, flattering and later manipulations to get what they want. Men are excited to be with them. Often the women are quite cold and calculative. They are self-centered and don’t care about anybody else but themselves.

Note: * Referring to book “Tune in your Mindful Diva”

Player caught in action

As I finished my description, Sam slid down the chair as if he wanted to hide under the table, became slightly pale and said: “I feel like naked in front of you, like you know everything about me. I am like the second group. That’s how I treat women.”

From that point on, he dropped his act and started behaving like an equal friend. It was clear we were not going to date, but he found me fascinating and wanted to stay in touch. He even thought of some acquaintance of his who could be a good match for me, since I was looking for a REAL relationship.

Who is playing who?


After that he opened up and shared a story. He was always the one who broke girls’ heart, never call them back after having sex. The more they cared, the less interest he showed. The story repeated until one day. He met a beautiful woman in Hungary, who carried him away into her magic world. She took him around the special places of Budapest, spent a fantastic and a passionate weekend with him. She was different than all the other girls. There was something special about her, so much confidence and independence.

He really fell for this woman and wanted to be in a relationship with her. But she was a player too. She dropped him like dirty socks and never returned his calls. The relationship finished as fast as the weekend. He really missed her. For once he knew how it was to be played.

How to spot a player


Players are generally very confident, smooth talkers and sociable. They pay attention to details, give compliments and take action towards physical contact. Male players make the woman feel special and noticed.  As a side note, female players often use seduction consisting of contradicting messages, such as fire with body, cold with mind, which drives the men crazy.

Players figure out what do you want and become just that until they have you. They have the image of an ideal lover, with the hint of danger and adventure. In reality they are only interested in themselves. They stay as long as it brings them some benefit. After they got what they wanted (sex, money or other advantages), they move on.

It is easy to fall victim to a player once. However if you notice a pattern that you are always attracted to players, or your own behaviour resembles to the one of players, while you actually want to have a relationship, consider whether this could be a form of self sabotage. More about this topic is in my article How to have a relationship without losing the benefits of single life.

Good guys are just too sweet

During the same period I had another date. The man arrived early and was waiting for me. He had a big smile when we met and acted as a gentlemen. As he sat across the table, he got a bit nervous. Clearly he hasn’t been seeing too many women in his life.

We had a nice conversation, here and there was a quiet moment. He seemed down to earth and sincere, not trying to impress me by some fake stuff. At the end of the evening he didn’t try to kiss me, but really wanted to arrange a second date. He was polite and not pushy at all. I felt like I could relax with him and drop the self-protective mode. I was so relaxed that I actually didn’t think this could lead to anything more. He was just too sweet.

Are good guys too nice for their own bad?


You have probably heard a story about a woman breaking up with a guy with an excuse “You are just too nice”. Men usually don’t get it what does it mean and blame the woman that there is something wrong with her when she can only be attracted to bad guys.

Women are attracted to men who are “manly”, show decision skills and confidence. While we live in liberated world, women still want their man to protect them in case of some physical danger or to suggest a clear direction. When the man is too sweet, woman feels she can’t rely on him in tough situations. Ideal is when a man can be sometimes a sweet teddy bear for hugs, strong and playful bear that turn the woman on and another times a rough grizzly to protect his family.

On our second date, my sweet man got his confidence back, made me laugh by his witty comments and shared his life visions that impressed me. Only then I started to think of him as a potential partner. He turned out to be much more than just a good guy. He is the greatest man I met and the love of my life.

How to spot a good guy

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Good guys need more time to impress a woman, they have to build up their image over a period of 2-3 dates, in case they care. When people don’t care about the outcome, they can be much more relaxed and more confident.

If your first date is quite nervous, take it as a good sign. If you like him at least a little bit, give him another chance to show you what he is about. Notice whether he is willing to do some things for you that might be inconvenient for him. Selfish men would not bother too much for a specific woman, when they can get another one instead.

While being a good guy is a good start for a relationship, it is not enough by itself.
Read about three dimensions of an intense relationship in my article: 5 dead end trails where single women get lost, before even starting their search for Mr. Right

If you have a question, you can contact me at info@michaelaray.com.


Partner relationship

I was avoiding to think about dating because I was afraid it would make me long for it even more. The workshop helped me get reassurance and insight into what I want and confidence that I can get it. I particularly liked the combination of the exercises with an 'unconscious' integration - that makes it very powerful.

Update after 6 months: I am 2,5 months in a relationship that I enjoy very much. I am especcialy happy that we are both able to understand each other and communicate in a mature way. 

Update 2 years later: Engagement :-) 

Olivia Brussels
Public speaking

I decided to explore "What prevents me from doing what I want in life." I achieved a quick unblocking result. During six sessions, I got rid of the limiting thoughts that were causing me suffering. For years I had trouble speaking in public or in front of a group. I always felt shame, that I was not good enough, that I had nothing to say. After a session where we worked through this feeling of shame, I realized that I suddenly had no problem speaking in a group. I felt proud and excited to be able to share who I am and what I want to bring. Now it is easy to spread my opinion and my intention. And it feels great!!!

Update one year later: Tine has her own business, supports women, does public webinars and live events.

Tine, 48 Antwerpen
Boundaries and my identity

I started with the topic "What I want in a relationship". Results after five sessions: 1. I know what kind of man and what kind of relationship I want. 2. I am more clear about what I want from life in general. 3. I am starting to define my identity more and I am learning to protect it. Setting boundaries helps me better protect my energy and use it for my goals. After years I finally felt inspired to create a website and I'm proud of it. I realized that I deserved to enjoy the money I earned and planned a trip that I was looking forward to. I started taking better care of my appearance. It feels good and people noticed it right away. I feel that I am becoming more authentic.

Karin Fox Germany
Online dating

It took me a while to move to the “real dating“ since I first had to get into my zone. Now, I am able to choose between many men. Thanks to the book "Mindful Diva Dating" and extra training support, I am on track. Even better news, meanwhile Mr. Right appeared!

I am very glad Michaela taught me her system how to undertake dating with joy and laughter. One of the best decisions I made in a long time!

Denise, 60 Antwerpen


Looking for life changes, new direction in career, relationship or overcoming losses and traumas? Let's have a private, discrete talk about what you are looking for. 

Let's talk about your situation and goals

Looking for life changes, new direction in career, relationship or overcoming losses and traumas? Let's have a private, discrete talk about what you are looking for.