It has been already two years after the heartbreaking experience, but Jane is still scared to give dating another try. With a trembling voice she said: “I am scared I will not be able to stand up for myself and will get hurt again.”
Jane has a good reason for her concern because she are unknowingly caring a dating saboteur with her. Dating saboteur is forcing her to behave according to three rules:
- “I don’t deserve”
- “I am not good enough”
- “Others come before me”
The effect of the dating saboteur is tricky. It causes that people are unkind to their own feelings, they accept less than good standard, reject great things coming their way, and put themselves last. It starts from the smallest things that seem unrelated to dating. Eventually the small things create a whole lifestyle and indirectly affect the search for Mr. Right. Here is an example how it works.
ONE DAY UNDER THE SPELL OF THE SABOTEUR
Alarm clock rings. Time to get ready for work. What should I wear? “Just pick something, whatever.” The pants are little lose. “That’s fine, just wear it, nobody will notice.” I come to the train and sit down. Suddenly I smell some chemical. Oh no, a woman is painting her nails. I want to move somewhere else. “No, you are already sitting down, that’s too much work to move now.”
Another busy day in the office. So many emails, people need my help and I have projects to work on. I answer all of their questions. Oh I need to go to the bathroom. “Just wait for a moment, you are in the middle of writing this email, just finish it first.”
Six o’clock comes. I am tired, but I haven’t even started my projects yet. So I begin now. It is seven o’clock I really want to go home, it has been a stressful day. “Not quite yet, just stay another half an hour, work on the project some more, you need to make a progress.” Ok I stay another half an hour. I run for the train and barely make it, catching my breath.
I come home tired at 8.30pm. I am all stiff, I have not exercised in ages. I wanted to make a dating profile this week, but I don’t feel like it right now. Maybe tomorrow if I have a better day. I am exhausted, I just watch some TV and go to sleep.
ONE DAY WITH LISTENING TO YOUR FEELINGS
Alarm clock rings. Time to get ready for work. What should I wear? “Pick something that makes you feel good and fits you well.” Oh, yes I love this dress. I look great in it. I come to the train and sit down. Suddenly I smell some chemical. Oh no, a woman is painting her nails. “There is no way my dear is going to sit in this unhealthy environment. Let’s walk around and find a better spot.“
Another busy day in the office. “Before you get started working my dear, what drinks would you like? Let’s go get some for you.“ So many emails, people need my help and I have projects to work on. I have to set a time this afternoon, where I only focus on my project. Oh I need to go to the bathroom. “Of course, take a break, the email can wait a few minutes.”
Six o clock comes. I made a good progress on my project. My next train comes in 15 minutes. “Let’s start shutting down and take a relaxing walk to enjoy some fresh air.”
I come home. This evening I have a second date with an interesting man. The evening is going to be so much fun! I am curious how things develop. 🙂
WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE THAT MAKES THE DIFFERENCE?
According to Adam Grant the author of “Give and Take”, the least successful people are selfless givers. Their health, personal energy and romantic relationships suffer. They are perceived as inefficient at work, because they spend too much time on helping others.
Selfless givers make statements such as: “I would really like to have a relationship, but right now others need me. It would be selfish to be concerned with my own interests. If I spent time on dating, I would be a bad mother. After my children grow up / parents die / my company goes through a merger, … then there will be time for me.“
Selfless givers put themselves last. They are so concerned about being too selfish, that they don’t notice they are on the opposite side of the extreme. They live for others, disconnected from their own needs. They don’t see that being selfish is very different from being true to themselves. The missing piece in the puzzle is balance. Clearly the dating saboteur isn’t much of a help. What about the dating avatar? What can it do for you?
HOW TO CREATE YOUR DATING AVATAR
Your dating avatar is the opposite of your dating saboteur. It is your best friend that will kindly support you in your search for Mr. Right.
Think of a name for yourself. Not your normal name, but something creative that resonates with you. It represents how do you want to feel about yourself, how do you want to think of yourself and how you want to be perceived and treated by men.
Examples of the names are: Lady, Pearl, Queen, Cherry on a cake, Flower.
Now add the physical appearance, style and skills to your avatar. You are describing your ideal self, do not worry about the fact current status might be different than ideal. Just have fun with it, be daring in your description.
When all is ready imagine to step inside the mindset of your avatar. From there you can see and do everything just like the avatar. Whenever you need to connect with these skills, you enter your chosen avatar. Following is a story how it worked for me.
HOW A QUIET MOUSE BECAME THE QUEEN
Before I started with my avatar, I used to be the quiet mouse that put up with everything. I picked a name: “Exquisite lady”. It represented that I am a valuable person. I wanted to be treated like a lady. I wanted to be able to stand up for myself. My first test came. I had to address something that made me upset. Little voice in my head said. “What if he leaves you?” But then I set my mind in my avatar. I felt I was the “Exquisite lady”. From this point it was normal I needed to tell him straight forward what made me upset. A man who does not care, does not deserve me. So it doesn’t matter if he would leave.
At first he was upset and asked: “Do you think you are Queen Elizabeth?” I was surprised, wow, that’s amazing how accurately he picked up my avatar and I said: “Yes, I am. How did you know?”
Something unexpected happened afterwards. He appologized and went out of his way to treat me well. In the end he wasn’t my prince charming, but he helped me with the practice of standing up for myself. The graduation came when I decided he wasn’t the right one for the Exquisite lady and I moved on. In a near future, I met my future husband.
My husband often talks about our first date. He thought I was a unique elegant lady with feminine moves. He was convinced to do everything to make this lady his. And he did. 🙂 Now you know how my avatar helped me attract an amazing husband and you can do the same.